When I first came upon Esquire magazine, the
monthly was both a bawdy and sophisticated men’s magazine, just respectable enough
to occupy a space on the cocktail table.
Playboy, more often hidden a way
in the sock drawer, still managed to disrupt, perhaps overwhelm Esquire’s
prestigious spot as the ultimate in men’s magazines. In my opinion Esquire was the original. In its attempt
to compete with this surprisingly successful upstart, Esquire tried all sorts of things and in doing so they came up with
some innovative ideas. My favorite was
the annual “Dubious Achievement Awards.” With a nod toward Esquire, during Playboy’s
60th anniversary, here are some special award categories and my top two
nominees for each award offered in the same spirit.
BIGGEST BULLY
Vladimir Putin vs
Chris Christie:. My vote goes to the
Russian dictator only because he can actually kill a lot people and invade a
lot of land. Christie may want to, but he’d have to keep it quiet. Another reason Putin gets the prize is that
anyone who would buckle under in a Diane Sawyer interview as Christie did can
no longer be feared. The man deserves to
spend the rest of his life in a cartoon. Christie may have his own border
battles, but Putin is trying to recreate the old USSR. There are a number of
former Soviet puppet states that legitimately fear a Crimean fate and sadly a
number of folks in those states seem to prefer a country run by a Stalin
wannabe.
MOST ARROGANT
Justice Antonin
Scalia vs. Dick Cheney: It’s a
difficult choice between these two hunting buddies. Both are cigar-smoking,
small-game hunters. Both are skilled
speakers and debaters. Cheney has that unemotional, matter-of-fact delivery that
lulls the listener into thinking he’s spewing “the-facts, just-the-facts, ma’am.”
Scalia’s technique is equally interesting. He uses theatre. He sets a regal
“how-dare you-question me tone.” He knows everything. And you are a fool. He’s a kind of male
chauvinist Judge Judy, though I’d take Judge Judy for her consistent
application of the law as she sees it. Scalia is all over the place. However, his bitter edge, which he can’t hide
as well as Cheney is similarly based. Cheney,
though he ran things during Bush’s first term, was always number two in the
eyes of the world. Scalia runs things on the court, but he knows he will never
be Chief Justice. Forced to choose, I pick Scalia as the most arrogant and currently
the most dangerous. He was appointed for life. He’s also continually pissed off. At this
point, Cheney doesn’t mind being unpopular. He’s the most likely to say,
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
MOST OBLIVIOUS
George W. Bush vs.
Donald Rumsfeld: Unlike Rumsfeld,
there is some indication that Bush the younger finally understood what happened
under his watch and decided to take up painting. (Anyone, to pick up on Andy
Borowitz’ suggestion, want to take up a collection for a beginner’s paint set
for Jeb?) Rumsfeld gets my vote. One of the best-known known knowns is that the
man had no idea what he was doing in Iraq and to this day doesn’t know that he
didn’t know it. He seems happy, which is further evidence that “ignorance is
bliss.” Actually he also disproves the
Peter Principle. He rose well beyond occupying a job for which he was merely
incompetent. He would do it all again, he said.
One more time: What’s the popular definition of crazy?
DUMBEST
George W. Bush vs. Kim
Jong-un: I might have given this award to Bush the Younger, but he was
smart enough to go into hiding. I can’t imagine anything worse than being stupid
and mean. One would think KIM II was a born-again Texas Republican — Perry and
Cruz, for example. (Not all Texans, mind you. Molly Ivins was my hero.) However
the current Kim Jong wins this contest hands down because he is still in the
seat of power where his narcissistic stupidity is a danger not only to his own
people, but also to the world. Worse, he really is in a position to improve the
lives of millions and chooses instead to keep them starving, in prison and
isolated from the world. We shouldn’t be
surprised. (Look at his haircut). On the other hand, I suspect a dark fate
awaits him, sooner rather than later. Perhaps it will be his uncle’s revenge
from the grave.
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