Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Rant — Trump For President: A Case For The Bunco Squad

If it weren’t so terrifying, it would be hilarious.  I remember the TV series “Dragnet”. I wasn’t a fan; but for some reason I couldn’t not watch it.  Occasionally they had a case of fraud, a “con’ man “ who found a “mark” and through lies and trickery took the mark for all he had.  That’s when Jack Web would say something like: “Turn the case over to “Bunco.”  The Bunco squad handled swindling, confidence games, and money-making schemes that broke the law.  Until now, Bernie Madoff may be one of the best- confidence men ever. He operated a Ponzi Scheme that cheated all sorts of folks, including charities, out of millions. He was a kind of understated con man — perhaps merely subtler than the current business model.

The current champ is made of different stuff. Here’s what Mr. Trump’s subconscious advises you to if you want to be a successful Bunco Artist.

What you do to be successful in the field is create a character.  If you want someone’s money, you must pretend you are already successful. You make a big deal out of it.  Put your name on everything. It is an effective cure for an inferiority complex or feelings of insecurity. Remember how much fun you had putting your finger in wet cement.  People knew your name! You also want to surround yourself with pretty women and hang out with A-list celebrities.  If you are a woman, find someone like me to protect you.  Otherwise you’ll never make it here or anywhere.

A Vessel Filled With Bluster and Greed
You must say you give a lot of money to charity. This shows you have heart. Also, be the life of the party, any party, by saying outrageous things. Making fun of the disabled will get you some attention. It’s especially wise to talk tough, maybe get in the ring with a lot of sweaty wrestlers (people who believe wrestling is real will likely think you are too) pick on a minority group or two or three, to show you’re not one of those politically correct wimps. Talk tough. You can tell them that prisoners of war are losers because they got caught. I gotta tell you that’s double tough, right guys? If I can pick on POWs nobody’s free from my disdain. Also don’t worry about telling lies.  The people who will follow you will never check the facts. (For example, they won’t know I bugged out on Vietnam, deferred because of a bone spur on my foot. Ouch.  Of course that didn't prevent me from skiing and playing other sports).

And IF someone actually does tell the truth about you, remind your followers the accusers are being unfair. Remind them you are being victimized again and again like me. I was victimized by the judge while I defended my business practices at my fake university, one of the thousand lawsuits I have been involved in. I was victimized by the Republican Party because they refused to yield to my wishes. (A reminder, throw a couple of tantrums when you don’t get your way.It works. I have been victimized by the IRS who would like to know a little more about my bankruptcies and other business dealings. Who do they think they are?  Don’t worry. My followers don’t understand anything. They don’t know that in those bankruptcies I didn't pay workers for their work or suppliers for their products. My followers believe I’ll create jobs.  Yeah, I will. They just won’t get paid. Suckers.

If you are running for office, don’t be specific about policies (except when you want to punish minorities for being minorities). Instead, call your opponents by childish names: “Wicked Wendy” or “Stupid Stewart.” This is especially effective during recess. Don’t worry; your audience will think you’re funny like the guy who blows 7-up bubbles out of his nose. They will applaud you for your cleverness.

More Helpful Hints From My Wonderful And Huge Subconscious:

Vocabulary, Schlmocabulary: Don’t fret about a limited vocabulary. Pick a few meaningless words and phrases and just use them over and over: Unbelievable, Great, Believe me, I gotta be honest with you, Gimme a break. You wouldn’t believe it. I gotta tell you. What can I say?  It’s huge. You don’t have to say anything to be popular.

If you want to get an idea of the way I talk, listen to Regis Philbin.  He’s been doing my shtick for years. Most important, though, don’t ever say you are sorry. Don’t ever admit to a mistake unless you underestimated how great you are.

Donald’s Angels: Get a team of young, Stepford women to appear on CNN and CNBC and Fox. Train them as spokespeople.  Make them memorize five responses to questions.  They arbitrarily rotate the answers no matter what the questions are.  Also, to show their undying loyalty and respect, these pretty little things must always refer to me as MISTER TRUMP. Make sure the men do the same thing only without the cheap make up.

Where’s the Money? Never release your tax returns.  People might find out you are not as wealthy as you say.  They might find out you pay less taxes than a Wal-Mart cashier.  They might discover you give very little to charity.  Look at what I did. In order to sell products (my book and a board game, for example, I promised to give the proceeds to charity.) Did I?  Oh, well.

Let’s You and Him Fight; Take a cue from me, the Donald.  Your physical gestures should include clenched fists.  That’s what a tough guy does, even those of us who dodged the draft. Next, you stir up the brain-washed crowd to do your fighting for you. It’s a lot of fun.  I get so adrenalin-charged when I do this, I take extra shots at the media because they victimize me too. Everybody is out to get me. Look at the Washington Post.  They said something I didn't like.  They are banned.  Banned, I tell you. Freedom of the press wasn’t my idea.

If you succeed at all this, it’s likely your followers are gullible like mine.  In other words they will believe anything. So go for those cheap and easy conspiracy theories.  Hillary murdered some guy. Obama was born in Kenya.   Just sayin.’

Make Atlantic City Great Again:  Come up with a catch slogan. I pretty much owned Atlantic City. It’s quite likely I can do for America what I did for them.

If you vote for Donald Trump, you are his mark, his stooge, his schnook, his victim. Ask Chris Christie who holds Mr. Trump’s coat and picks up his lunch.

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