The current champ is
made of different stuff. Here’s what Mr. Trump’s subconscious advises you to if
you want to be a successful Bunco Artist.
What you do to be successful in the field is create a
character. If you want someone’s money,
you must pretend you are already successful. You make a big deal out of
it. Put your name on everything. It is
an effective cure for an inferiority complex or feelings of insecurity.
Remember how much fun you had putting your finger in wet cement. People knew your name! You also want to
surround yourself with pretty women and hang out with A-list celebrities. If you are a woman, find someone like me to
protect you. Otherwise you’ll never make
it here or anywhere.
 |
| A Vessel Filled With Bluster and Greed |
You must say you give a lot of money to charity. This shows
you have heart. Also, be the life of the party, any party, by saying outrageous
things. Making fun of the disabled will get you some attention. It’s especially
wise to talk tough, maybe get in the ring with a lot of sweaty wrestlers
(people who believe wrestling is real will likely think you are too) pick on a
minority group or two or three, to show you’re not one of those politically
correct wimps. Talk tough. You can tell them that prisoners of war are losers
because they got caught. I gotta tell you that’s double tough, right guys? If I
can pick on POWs nobody’s free from my disdain. Also don’t worry about telling
lies. The people who will follow you
will never check the facts. (For example, they won’t know I bugged out on
Vietnam, deferred because of a bone spur on my foot. Ouch. Of course that didn't prevent me from skiing
and playing other sports).
And IF someone actually does tell the truth about you, remind
your followers the accusers are being unfair. Remind them you are being victimized
again and again like me. I was victimized by the judge while I defended my
business practices at my fake university, one of the thousand lawsuits I have
been involved in. I was victimized by the Republican Party because they refused
to yield to my wishes. (A reminder, throw a couple of tantrums when you don’t
get your way.) It works. I have been
victimized by the IRS who would like to know a little more about my bankruptcies
and other business dealings. Who do they think they are? Don’t worry. My followers don’t understand
anything. They don’t know that in those bankruptcies I didn't pay workers for
their work or suppliers for their products. My followers believe I’ll create
jobs. Yeah, I will. They just won’t get
paid. Suckers.
If you are running for office, don’t be specific about
policies (except when you want to punish minorities for being minorities).
Instead, call your opponents by childish names: “Wicked Wendy” or “Stupid
Stewart.” This is especially effective during recess. Don’t worry; your
audience will think you’re funny like the guy who blows 7-up bubbles out of his
nose. They will applaud you for your cleverness.
More Helpful Hints From My Wonderful And Huge Subconscious:
Vocabulary,
Schlmocabulary: Don’t fret about a limited vocabulary. Pick a few
meaningless words and phrases and just use them over and over: Unbelievable, Great,
Believe me, I gotta be honest with you, Gimme a break. You wouldn’t believe it.
I gotta tell you. What can I say? It’s
huge. You don’t have to say anything to be popular.
If you want to get an idea of the way I talk, listen to
Regis Philbin. He’s been doing my shtick
for years. Most important, though, don’t ever say you are sorry. Don’t ever
admit to a mistake unless you underestimated how great you are.
Donald’s Angels:
Get a team of young, Stepford women to appear on CNN and CNBC and Fox. Train
them as spokespeople. Make them memorize
five responses to questions. They
arbitrarily rotate the answers no matter what the questions are. Also, to show their undying loyalty and
respect, these pretty little things must always refer to me as MISTER TRUMP.
Make sure the men do the same thing only without the cheap make up.
Where’s the Money?
Never release your tax returns. People
might find out you are not as wealthy as you say. They might find out you pay less taxes than a
Wal-Mart cashier. They might discover
you give very little to charity. Look at
what I did. In order to sell products (my book and a board game, for example, I
promised to give the proceeds to charity.) Did I? Oh, well.
Let’s You and Him
Fight; Take a cue from me, the Donald.
Your physical gestures should include clenched fists. That’s what a tough guy does, even those of
us who dodged the draft. Next, you stir up the brain-washed crowd to do your fighting
for you. It’s a lot of fun. I get so adrenalin-charged
when I do this, I take extra shots at the media because they victimize me too.
Everybody is out to get me. Look at the Washington
Post. They said something I didn't
like. They are banned. Banned, I tell you. Freedom of the press wasn’t
my idea.
If you succeed at all this, it’s likely your followers are
gullible like mine. In other words they
will believe anything. So go for those cheap and easy conspiracy theories. Hillary murdered some guy. Obama was born in
Kenya. Just sayin.’
Make Atlantic City
Great Again: Come up with a catch
slogan. I pretty much owned Atlantic City. It’s quite likely I can do for America
what I did for them.
If you vote for Donald
Trump, you are his mark, his stooge, his schnook, his victim. Ask Chris
Christie who holds Mr. Trump’s coat and picks up his lunch.
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