Commentary – Republicans Light Up Broadway

Word is out. Sarah Palin’s daughter will be in a road revival of the musical Annie Get Your Gun.  What makes this even more exciting is that Bristol ”the pistol” Palin’s show is produced by the National Rifle Association. It’s apparently the NRA’s brainchild, a way to build support for the organization’s sagging image. Maybe they can get Ted Nugent to play Buffalo Bill.

I think it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine the possibilities for other organizations needing a little help with their public perception.  The Mormon Church could revive Seven Brides For Two Brothers, starring the Romneys.

Tom Cotton: Senator

Anthony Perkins: Psycho

Breaking News:  Marco Rubio will replace Jeb Bush as The Man From La Mancha when Bush finally realizes he’s not Hispanic. In a search for an Anthony Perkins look-alike for a Koch Brothers’ musical version of Psycho, they are thrilled to announce that Tom Cotton will play the part. “He’s perfect, wound, you know, just a little too tight,” said director Karl Rove.

Other Broadway snippets:  It is rumored Mike Huckabee will take the lead in the Music Man. His song, “Trouble, oh we got trouble right here in Indiana, trouble with a capital ‘T’ and that rhymes with ‘G’ and that stands for gay.” In the interim, Huckabee will take the lead as the sheriff of Mayberry. Bobby Jindal will take the role as his nervous deputy, Barney Fife. In this new Broadway-bound version, gays, poor people and uppity women will go to jail. Ted Cruz will guest star as Jesus H. Christ, who visits Aunt Bee to take back her Social Security check in a particularly touching episode in which Opie is refused admittance to the local hospital for lack of health insurance, but is treated by Floyd the barber, in a cameo by Mitch McConnell.

Christie: "To the moon, Alice!"

The Odd Couple Returns again and again. This time, the organization, People For Continual War will produce a Broadway version featuring John McCain and Lindsay Graham.  Next on Lindsay’s schedule is La Cage Aux Folles, where he will pretend he knows more about football and soldiering than designer ball gowns.

Ralph Kramden

My spies are checking the rumor that Donald Trump will star in a restaging of Hairspray.  “I know they're looking for someone tackier, but I felt that I could reach deep down in my soul and find this quality,” Trump said.  His PACS have already raised $3.75 in crowd funding, not quite enough for a slice of pizza, but Trump has plans to sell his failing casinos to Wal-Mart to get his show up and running.

Perry: Do these glasses make me look smart?

The Honeymooners on 42nd Street.  Watch for Chris Christie as bus driver Ralph Kramden and Rick Santorum as Ed Norton in this revival.  Pundits say his is a real stretch for Santorum because Norton’s character is supposed to come across as a human being.

Rand Paul and Rick Perry will star in an adaptation of Deliverance, The Musical. Rand, it is reported, will play a dueling banjo in the production. Insiders aren’t sure what that means.

The Eagle Forum will produce a Broadway tribute to The Golden Girls, starring Phyllis Schiafly as the oldest resident of a shared house in Arizona or Arkansas — one is a dry heat.  The show also stars Carly Fiorina, Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin. In a departure from the original concept, none of these Golden girls are particularly bright.

Carly Fiorina: Golden Girl

The Family Research Council is begging the trending Ted Cruz to join them in various productions, but he said the only role he was prepared to take is Jesus Christ, just not that last part.  He is currently auditioning for the U.S. Presidency or “the Savior” as he prefers to be called. He had admitted he was concerned he would be confused with Tom Cruise, or perhaps with Christ himself.  Scott Walker, in an effort to compete, tried to find a role he could play.  Unfortunately there is no character for someone who has no character. “Mean and petty, isn’t enough,” said a spokesperson for the Club For Growth, which denies they help people grow hair.  They suggested Walker take the title role in The Invisible Man, but Dr. Ben Carson had already been cast.

I’m sorry, Democrats, you’re just not as silly as Republicans.

Rant — Billionaires Are Now Holding Their Own Primaries

How can all this fly beneath the public radar? Eighty-year-old, billionaire and Casino King, Sheldon Adelson called in four Republican frontrunners to Las Vegas to audition for him.  Now keep in mind these are candidates who might very well lead the free world. Four guys pack their tutus and ballet slippers and prepare to bow before Adelson whose source of income is largely derived from gambling interests in Las Vegas, Macau, and Singapore.

Candidate number One: Jeb Bush, son and brother to previous presidents, is making the U.S. presidency a bizarre Kim Jong family thing. Both President Bushes were known for holding hands, figuratively and literally, with the leader of Saudi Arabia, a country infamous for its pitiful human rights record, but plenty of oil, oil — bubbling crude that is. You get some oil money and some gambling money and pretty soon you run the US.

Candidate Number Two: Fresh from his unfolding bridge scandal, New Jersey’s blustery bully, Governor Chris Christie, also came running. It’s quite likely that this politician, with a Ralph Kramden personality, is struggling to get his tough-guy, I’m-in-charge image back while at the same time claiming he had no control over his hench men and women. It’s hard to get your macho mojo back when you sit, beg, speak, and rollover for a guy who sends two $500,000 Maybachs just to pick up presidential wannabes for tryouts.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is candidate number three in what The Washington Post calls the Adelson Presidential Primary. Walker is a by-the numbers tea-partier — union buster, antigay, anti-choice, anti-women, anti-immigrant, anti-poor. He could and would stir up controversy. But by all accounts he’s not too bright. No one quite knows what happened to moderate, sane Wisconsin. They seemed to have slipped below the Mason-Dixon Line where people regularly vote against their own interests.

Ohio Governor John Kasich is candidate number four-in the aging gambler’s personal presidential primary. Kasich is the dark horse or perhaps bland horse. But Ohio is a very important state.  As Ohio goes, so goes the nation. The problem Adelson might have with Kasich isn’t political. The candidate is pretty right-wing.  But there are some indications that he might have principles.  Dull as Romney, he might be less willing to sell out. especially to a guy who makes his money off on-armed bandits and blackjack tables. That may be a problem.

In the last primary, when Newt Gingrich flagged, Adelson moved his support to the wealthiest nominee — who best to understand Adelson’s pain? — Mitt Romney. In the end, two others on the top ten wealthiest people in the U.S., the Koch Brothers went for Romney, as did four other members of the billionaire top ten, all with the Walton (Wal-Mart) family name.  Among the many things these billionaires have in common is hate for the livable wage.

Adelson's airport shuttle — a $500,000 Maybach

How do the average Jack and Jill not notice this? As I grew up, I was taught that ultimately we could look to the Supreme Court to right these kinds of wrongs. But it was the current U.S. Supreme Court, including, Antonin Scalia, the so-called “originalist,” who declared corporations are “people,” and “money is “speech.” In other words, if you have more money, you have more speech. You think that if you invited Christie and Bush to your house for dinner, they’d show up? Certainly there are liberal millionaires, but all the liberals on the court voted against Citizens United.

I know, this blog is supposed to be about mysteries, crime and writing.  But buying a president or senator should be a crime and the subject matter is certainly ripe for a crime novel or movie.  Could be a comedy-crime in the vein of Elmore Leonard.  Hangover, Part I.  Then we move on to what a friend of mine suggested — an “All Texas Ticket” with funnymen Perry-Cruz.  That would be Hangover, Part II. Casting is underway for Part III, possibly starring a Bush, a Clinton and Ayn Rand Paul.