Commentary – Republicans Light Up Broadway

Word is out. Sarah Palin’s daughter will be in a road revival of the musical Annie Get Your Gun.  What makes this even more exciting is that Bristol ”the pistol” Palin’s show is produced by the National Rifle Association. It’s apparently the NRA’s brainchild, a way to build support for the organization’s sagging image. Maybe they can get Ted Nugent to play Buffalo Bill.

I think it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine the possibilities for other organizations needing a little help with their public perception.  The Mormon Church could revive Seven Brides For Two Brothers, starring the Romneys.

Tom Cotton: Senator

Anthony Perkins: Psycho

Breaking News:  Marco Rubio will replace Jeb Bush as The Man From La Mancha when Bush finally realizes he’s not Hispanic. In a search for an Anthony Perkins look-alike for a Koch Brothers’ musical version of Psycho, they are thrilled to announce that Tom Cotton will play the part. “He’s perfect, wound, you know, just a little too tight,” said director Karl Rove.

Other Broadway snippets:  It is rumored Mike Huckabee will take the lead in the Music Man. His song, “Trouble, oh we got trouble right here in Indiana, trouble with a capital ‘T’ and that rhymes with ‘G’ and that stands for gay.” In the interim, Huckabee will take the lead as the sheriff of Mayberry. Bobby Jindal will take the role as his nervous deputy, Barney Fife. In this new Broadway-bound version, gays, poor people and uppity women will go to jail. Ted Cruz will guest star as Jesus H. Christ, who visits Aunt Bee to take back her Social Security check in a particularly touching episode in which Opie is refused admittance to the local hospital for lack of health insurance, but is treated by Floyd the barber, in a cameo by Mitch McConnell.

Christie: "To the moon, Alice!"

The Odd Couple Returns again and again. This time, the organization, People For Continual War will produce a Broadway version featuring John McCain and Lindsay Graham.  Next on Lindsay’s schedule is La Cage Aux Folles, where he will pretend he knows more about football and soldiering than designer ball gowns.

Ralph Kramden

My spies are checking the rumor that Donald Trump will star in a restaging of Hairspray.  “I know they're looking for someone tackier, but I felt that I could reach deep down in my soul and find this quality,” Trump said.  His PACS have already raised $3.75 in crowd funding, not quite enough for a slice of pizza, but Trump has plans to sell his failing casinos to Wal-Mart to get his show up and running.

Perry: Do these glasses make me look smart?

The Honeymooners on 42nd Street.  Watch for Chris Christie as bus driver Ralph Kramden and Rick Santorum as Ed Norton in this revival.  Pundits say his is a real stretch for Santorum because Norton’s character is supposed to come across as a human being.

Rand Paul and Rick Perry will star in an adaptation of Deliverance, The Musical. Rand, it is reported, will play a dueling banjo in the production. Insiders aren’t sure what that means.

The Eagle Forum will produce a Broadway tribute to The Golden Girls, starring Phyllis Schiafly as the oldest resident of a shared house in Arizona or Arkansas — one is a dry heat.  The show also stars Carly Fiorina, Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin. In a departure from the original concept, none of these Golden girls are particularly bright.

Carly Fiorina: Golden Girl

The Family Research Council is begging the trending Ted Cruz to join them in various productions, but he said the only role he was prepared to take is Jesus Christ, just not that last part.  He is currently auditioning for the U.S. Presidency or “the Savior” as he prefers to be called. He had admitted he was concerned he would be confused with Tom Cruise, or perhaps with Christ himself.  Scott Walker, in an effort to compete, tried to find a role he could play.  Unfortunately there is no character for someone who has no character. “Mean and petty, isn’t enough,” said a spokesperson for the Club For Growth, which denies they help people grow hair.  They suggested Walker take the title role in The Invisible Man, but Dr. Ben Carson had already been cast.

I’m sorry, Democrats, you’re just not as silly as Republicans.

Observations — Notes To Casting Directors Everywhere

I have fond memories of actor Raymond Burr before he became the title character in the legendary TV series, “Perry Mason.’ Prior to that juggernaut, in 1940’s movies primarily, Burr was often cast as the “heavy,” largely because he was.  Also because he was a fine actor and could pull it off despite the fact that, in private, he was a kind, gentle soul and generous philanthropist.

Raymond Burr

Chris Christie

Thinking about this, I wondered who could take his place. Who could pull off the stock “bully" character on screen? It was obvious to me immediately that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was perfect for the role, and acting is second nature for most politicians, if acting is even required in Christie’s case.  Once that came to me I realized many of our politicians might have a second lives as actors or visa versa, as did Ronald Reagan. Though it was pretty much the exact same thing in his case.

So I started thinking of other prominent politicians and what kind of characters they might play.

For example, if they bring back “Gomer Pyle” featuring Gomer as an aging misogynist, Mike Huckabee could have a lucrative second career.

If they ever remake Deliverance, Rand Paul might want to audition.  He seems to have the same worldview. And the pious Rick Santorum could be cast as a mayor of any city that outlaws dancing.

Aaron Schock, R, Illinois

Paul Ryan, R, Wisconsin

However, we might have to get innovative if we want to expand the casting opportunities to accommodate aging politicians. I’m proposing a new sitcom, ”Golden Boys,” about a gay senior center, starring Senator John McCain and his bff, Senator Lindsay Graham.  In the first episode Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock plays a visiting Midwestern go-go boy who helps the boys celebrate a birthday. Hilarity ensues.  In the second episode, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan deftly portrays a sexy, flirty Midwestern fitness instructor to get the old boys in shape. Hilarity ensues again.  Senator Orrin Hatch makes a guest appearance to teach The Golden Boys how to sing and attempts to produce a septuagenarian version of “Glee.” Watch for the spin off.  Vladimir Putin is rumored to take Donald Trump’s place on “The Apprentice,” with losers spending the rest of their lives in Gulags. However, others say, based on the success of Mike Pence, Putin may move to southern Indiana and run for governor, using the slogan, ”I don’t like gay people either.”  He revives the hit single, “I’m too sexy For My Shirt” as the reality show’s theme song, or if that fails, his campaign theme.