On Writing — Decanters of the Dubious

The election season has brought about new words and phrases, or at least a bunch of catch phrases that, in fact, seem to be catching, especially in the news media. None are new, but they are used so often they seem to be worn out. The candidates “double down” daily.  And it’s quite often too late to change because perceptions of them are “baked in the cake.”  There is “push back.”  There is ‘lean in.”  I don’t recall “surrogates” being so common.  But the Trump campaign seems to have cloned them.  The clue, is, if it isn’t otherwise obvious, that they call Hillary Clinton either “Hillary “or “Clinton.”  Kaine is “Kaine.”  President Obama is “Obama” despite the fact he is president. Even Pence is merely ‘Pence.”  However Donald Trump is always MISTER Trump. You know that must be in the contract.

MISTER Trump having trouble with younger voters

Now we have “basket of deplorables.” As a reluctant, but now devoted Hillary supporter, I want to comment on this tempest in a teapot by chastising the absolute feebleness (feebility?) of her slur that half the Trump supporters are a “basket of deplorables.” Her speechwriters must be tired.  I’ve written a speech or two.  Maybe just two.  But I think I could have come up with a better line.  Here are some possibilities:

Box of Dispicables

Bag of Undesirables

Bushel of Dim Bulbs

Bowl of the Duped

Barrel of Dummies

Bottle of Dreadfuls

Blanket of Undesirables

Bundle of Irredeemables

My favorite is:

Decanters of the Dubious

In these cases I favor alliteration. And at least half of MISTER Trump’s supporters wouldn’t know they should be offended. It’s baked in the cake.

Rant — Our Own House of Cards

When a presidential candidate makes a veiled suggestion that gun advocates might use their passion to eliminate the opposition, you might have greater drama in the real world than the darkly humorous piece of fiction about the Presidency, ‘House of Cards.”  Some of what happens in the Netflix series seemed preposterous. No more. It is reality that is unbelievable.

Narcissist In Chief (Donald J. Trump)

One could believe a conniving politician and his equally avaricious wife team up to gain the most powerful positions in the world. We’ve had time to adjust to it in a kind of parallel reality filled with all sorts of drama – accusations of illicit affairs, claims of murder, potential violations of national security, illegal quid quo pro deals and actual impeachment. While TV’s “Madame Secretary” shines a golden light on the Hillary Clinton type, “House of Cards” seems to have been inspired by the shadowy side of Bill and Hillary.

Though trending upward, Former Secretary of State, Senator and First Lady Hillary Clinton is regarded unfavorably by more people than almost any other presidential candidate in history.  ALMOST, I repeat.  Even less liked and trending downward is the pretend billionaire, foil hatted conspiracy theorist, fake patriot, race baiting, incredibly uninformed and unhinged Donald Jong Trump.  His antics have set up a scenario more bizarre than Doctor Stangelove. He is a misogynist with videotapes to prove it. He makes fun of the disabled. He has a history of bad business practices and failed casinos, though he runs by peddling his success as a businessman, and refuses— unlike every modern presidential candidate before him — to make his income taxes public. Why? Will they reveal his real income?  How little taxes he pays? Will they show that his very public promises to charity have gone unfulfilled?  Trump is currently on trial for fraud and racketeering for operating a bogus university.  He promises to bring jobs home though nearly every product with the Trump brand is outsourced. He is anti-immigrant, though he employs them en masse at his various golf resorts and spas. 

He has picked as his running mate a failed governor of Indiana who believes the earth is little more than 6,000 years old and that human activity is not affecting climate despite overwhelming scientific proof to the contrary. This at a time NASA is sending back photographs of Jupiter? How could this not make an uproarious satirical comedy much more interesting than “House of Cards?”

This does not mean Donald Trump is without savvy. Even a ten-year-old can be cunning. Trump has the knack for self-promotion. Like the jokester in the back of the classroom or the bully on the playground, he has discovered the art of disruption. “Pay attention to me!”  But if you do, you realize he has nothing to say. As people tire of his tantrums, Trump has had to escalate his threats through calculated, carefully worded statements. About Hillary, he said:

Frank J. Underwood (Kevin Spacey)

“If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people — maybe there is, I don’t know.”

The meaning is clear to anyone who has half a brain. Through ambiguity, he has deniability. He was only encouraging them to come out and vote, he said. Trump has one more protective layer. If he’s caught, as he was here, he claims the “liberal media is after him.  The bully is the victim.  He whines.  The system, through which he purportedly became rich and certainly famous, is rigged against him. 

The only constant is that it’s all about him. However, in the end, he has no substance anyway. Even his words are empty.  He rarely uses words let alone sentences that have substance. They are exclamations. Everything is incredible, fantastic, unbelievable, amazing. Especially him. True. An “amazing “number of “ditto heads” (remember them) follow him, some with their confederate flags and some with their pointy hats.

Unfortunately for Trump, the very people who were drawn to him because “he tells it like it is,” haven’t been told anything useful. They simply worship a man who worships himself.

Yet the world quakes, awaiting his spontaneous threats and insults. Leaders from major countries —many our long-term allies — cringe, not because they fear his strength as a leader (or negotiator), but because they fear his stupidity in a nuclear age. He is our Kim Jong Un, a thin-skinned egomaniac who inherited his position in life, and who now masquerades as savior.

We haven’t had such a threat to global stability since Stalin, Hitler and Mussolini.  The thing is: we truly don’t know whether to laugh or cry. He is a truly dangerous clown.  Who could make the movie of a man who once was the playboy of the western world and became someone who could actually destroy it? Mel Brooks?  The Coen Brothers?  John Waters? David Lynch?

“Certainly House of Cards,’ clever and seductive as it is, collapses as cutting edge political theater in the face of the surreal nature of the 2016 U.S. election. Yes, yes, and with irony, Hillary represents the establishment, the “good old boy” network. Not my first choice, or second, but we’re down to two. The former secretary of state is intelligent, experienced in world affairs and most important, not a nutcase.

Rant — Trump For President: A Case For The Bunco Squad

If it weren’t so terrifying, it would be hilarious.  I remember the TV series “Dragnet”. I wasn’t a fan; but for some reason I couldn’t not watch it.  Occasionally they had a case of fraud, a “con’ man “ who found a “mark” and through lies and trickery took the mark for all he had.  That’s when Jack Web would say something like: “Turn the case over to “Bunco.”  The Bunco squad handled swindling, confidence games, and money-making schemes that broke the law.  Until now, Bernie Madoff may be one of the best- confidence men ever. He operated a Ponzi Scheme that cheated all sorts of folks, including charities, out of millions. He was a kind of understated con man — perhaps merely subtler than the current business model.

The current champ is made of different stuff. Here’s what Mr. Trump’s subconscious advises you to if you want to be a successful Bunco Artist.

What you do to be successful in the field is create a character.  If you want someone’s money, you must pretend you are already successful. You make a big deal out of it.  Put your name on everything. It is an effective cure for an inferiority complex or feelings of insecurity. Remember how much fun you had putting your finger in wet cement.  People knew your name! You also want to surround yourself with pretty women and hang out with A-list celebrities.  If you are a woman, find someone like me to protect you.  Otherwise you’ll never make it here or anywhere.

A Vessel Filled With Bluster and Greed

You must say you give a lot of money to charity. This shows you have heart. Also, be the life of the party, any party, by saying outrageous things. Making fun of the disabled will get you some attention. It’s especially wise to talk tough, maybe get in the ring with a lot of sweaty wrestlers (people who believe wrestling is real will likely think you are too) pick on a minority group or two or three, to show you’re not one of those politically correct wimps. Talk tough. You can tell them that prisoners of war are losers because they got caught. I gotta tell you that’s double tough, right guys? If I can pick on POWs nobody’s free from my disdain. Also don’t worry about telling lies.  The people who will follow you will never check the facts. (For example, they won’t know I bugged out on Vietnam, deferred because of a bone spur on my foot. Ouch.  Of course that didn't prevent me from skiing and playing other sports).

And IF someone actually does tell the truth about you, remind your followers the accusers are being unfair. Remind them you are being victimized again and again like me. I was victimized by the judge while I defended my business practices at my fake university, one of the thousand lawsuits I have been involved in. I was victimized by the Republican Party because they refused to yield to my wishes. (A reminder, throw a couple of tantrums when you don’t get your way.) It works. I have been victimized by the IRS who would like to know a little more about my bankruptcies and other business dealings. Who do they think they are?  Don’t worry. My followers don’t understand anything. They don’t know that in those bankruptcies I didn't pay workers for their work or suppliers for their products. My followers believe I’ll create jobs.  Yeah, I will. They just won’t get paid. Suckers.

If you are running for office, don’t be specific about policies (except when you want to punish minorities for being minorities). Instead, call your opponents by childish names: “Wicked Wendy” or “Stupid Stewart.” This is especially effective during recess. Don’t worry; your audience will think you’re funny like the guy who blows 7-up bubbles out of his nose. They will applaud you for your cleverness.

More Helpful Hints From My Wonderful And Huge Subconscious:

Vocabulary, Schlmocabulary: Don’t fret about a limited vocabulary. Pick a few meaningless words and phrases and just use them over and over: Unbelievable, Great, Believe me, I gotta be honest with you, Gimme a break. You wouldn’t believe it. I gotta tell you. What can I say?  It’s huge. You don’t have to say anything to be popular.

If you want to get an idea of the way I talk, listen to Regis Philbin.  He’s been doing my shtick for years. Most important, though, don’t ever say you are sorry. Don’t ever admit to a mistake unless you underestimated how great you are.

Donald’s Angels: Get a team of young, Stepford women to appear on CNN and CNBC and Fox. Train them as spokespeople.  Make them memorize five responses to questions.  They arbitrarily rotate the answers no matter what the questions are.  Also, to show their undying loyalty and respect, these pretty little things must always refer to me as MISTER TRUMP. Make sure the men do the same thing only without the cheap make up.

Where’s the Money? Never release your tax returns.  People might find out you are not as wealthy as you say.  They might find out you pay less taxes than a Wal-Mart cashier.  They might discover you give very little to charity.  Look at what I did. In order to sell products (my book and a board game, for example, I promised to give the proceeds to charity.) Did I?  Oh, well.

Let’s You and Him Fight; Take a cue from me, the Donald.  Your physical gestures should include clenched fists.  That’s what a tough guy does, even those of us who dodged the draft. Next, you stir up the brain-washed crowd to do your fighting for you. It’s a lot of fun.  I get so adrenalin-charged when I do this, I take extra shots at the media because they victimize me too. Everybody is out to get me. Look at the Washington Post.  They said something I didn't like.  They are banned.  Banned, I tell you. Freedom of the press wasn’t my idea.

If you succeed at all this, it’s likely your followers are gullible like mine.  In other words they will believe anything. So go for those cheap and easy conspiracy theories.  Hillary murdered some guy. Obama was born in Kenya.   Just sayin.’

Make Atlantic City Great Again:  Come up with a catch slogan. I pretty much owned Atlantic City. It’s quite likely I can do for America what I did for them.

If you vote for Donald Trump, you are his mark, his stooge, his schnook, his victim. Ask Chris Christie who holds Mr. Trump’s coat and picks up his lunch.

Rant — Nominees For Most Arrogant Human Alive

WARNING: The following contains political commentary

All cover, no content

Donald Trump: is the personification of the “Ugly American.”  He is brash, loud, bullying, misogynistic, xenophobic, and has no notion of the meaning of the word, “honorable.”  All right, nothing new here. Wait, Trump’s bluntness leads to an accidental honesty.  He admits he regularly buys politicians to build his business, that he declares bankruptcy (screwing over investors and suppliers) as a business strategy, and hates losers including U.S. prisoners of war because they got caught. Logic would extend Trump’s definition of “loser to those wounded in action or victims of catastrophic disease who had an actual reason to declare bankruptcy. Trump inherited his “winner” status, but unlike his moneyed peers, he is very low on the list of charitable givers.  My guess is that should he actually become the next U.S. President, while he screwed over the country, he’d laugh at the losers who voted for him. The question is: Is he important enough to be in this race, let alone one for the presidency?

Where's 007 when you need him?

Vladimir Putin: The Russian leader is so ashamed of his country’s fall from power that he is willing to do anything to anyone in order to restore a Kingdom worthy of his leadership. Much like Trump, Putin is a chest-thumping narcissist. The difference is Trump thinks that’s normal, even desirable. Putin, KGB trained, may be absurd, but he is not harmless. His ability to do harm is global.  There is the old saying that writers don’t like to write; they just want to have written.  I think that while Trump doesn’t want to be president, he wants to have been president. Putin truly wants to restore Russia to what it was under Stalin.  Trump wants to be on TMZ or the cover of People.  Putin wants to be in the history books along side Mao and Adolph. I suspect Russia will be a great country again — creating the art, music and literature it once did  — just not under another ego-driven, bullying war criminal.

What do you want from me? Logic?

Antonin Scalia:  Here is a man not only stuck in time, but also clutching the backward concept that you only have the rights the constitution specifically says you do. It is a negative way of looking at the concept of freedom.  His mind is not at all conceptual.  He cannot or will not extend the logic of the document so that it remains relevant to or in touch with reality as reality evolves. Freedom of speech, for example, now encompasses tweets, or cell phones capturing an arrest, a riot or an accident in the making.  Our forefathers could not have imagined it as they put the document together. But did they need to identify every method by which speech is shared in order for it to be free? On the other hand, a rude and bullying Scalia was quite willing to turn the concept of speech on its head when he sided with Citizens United‘s position that money is speech and worse, corporations are people.  Here he abandoned even his own outdated principles to stretch and twist free speech into a pretzel. Nowhere does the constitution say or even imply that money is speech or that corporations are people. Where is the strict constitutionalist he claims to be? He has turned out to be just another showman with half a brain.  Unlike Trump, however, Scalia can use two syllable words in his prayers for the rich and powerful.

Where's my shotgun?

Dick Cheney: Cheney has talent.  He can calmly lie through his teeth and somehow seem sensible. The man who headed war profiteer Halliburton…the man who sent Americans to die in Iraq over nothing…the man whose military expenditures while part of the Cheney-Bush presidential team nearly destroyed our economy, wants us to go to war with Iran. And he’s getting free airtime to promote this folly.  More lives lost. More money spent. More hatred toward us generated. I’m with group that believes no one contributed more to the creation of ISIS than our former ventriloquist and war criminal VP. The problem is he still talks like he knows what he’s talking about, as if he has not regularly and with an incredibly straight face lied to us and got caught. He talks as if he is actually relevant. And when the right wing talks, we can barely see Cheney’s lips move.

Let's you and him fight!

Benjamin Netanyahu:  Everyone I know has long supported Israel.  We want the country to succeed. Israel has a right to a peaceful, sovereign existence.  The U.S., rightfully, has been a good friend to Israel, providing economic aid when it was needed and military aid and support.  In other words, we have their back. In turn, Israel has been a strong ally in a troubled region of our planet. That we don’t always approve of each other’s actions is to be expected and respected. We should not expect to buy their love or have them act in a way that would conflict with their interests as a nation. However Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu has proven to be an arrogant, war-mongering backstabber. While the Mideast situation is beyond complex, Netanyahu’s proclivity toward violence, and his unlawful occupation of land that does not belong to his country shows the same megalomania that inhabits most tyrants.   His appearance in front of the U.S. Congress violated international protocol and showed how little he regards U.S. friendship. His action showed extreme disrespect for our President and our country.  Netanyahu is another bully wanting relevance on the world stage, when what is needed is wisdom and leadership.

Commentary – Republicans Light Up Broadway

Word is out. Sarah Palin’s daughter will be in a road revival of the musical Annie Get Your Gun.  What makes this even more exciting is that Bristol ”the pistol” Palin’s show is produced by the National Rifle Association. It’s apparently the NRA’s brainchild, a way to build support for the organization’s sagging image. Maybe they can get Ted Nugent to play Buffalo Bill.

I think it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine the possibilities for other organizations needing a little help with their public perception.  The Mormon Church could revive Seven Brides For Two Brothers, starring the Romneys.

Tom Cotton: Senator

Anthony Perkins: Psycho

Breaking News:  Marco Rubio will replace Jeb Bush as The Man From La Mancha when Bush finally realizes he’s not Hispanic. In a search for an Anthony Perkins look-alike for a Koch Brothers’ musical version of Psycho, they are thrilled to announce that Tom Cotton will play the part. “He’s perfect, wound, you know, just a little too tight,” said director Karl Rove.

Other Broadway snippets:  It is rumored Mike Huckabee will take the lead in the Music Man. His song, “Trouble, oh we got trouble right here in Indiana, trouble with a capital ‘T’ and that rhymes with ‘G’ and that stands for gay.” In the interim, Huckabee will take the lead as the sheriff of Mayberry. Bobby Jindal will take the role as his nervous deputy, Barney Fife. In this new Broadway-bound version, gays, poor people and uppity women will go to jail. Ted Cruz will guest star as Jesus H. Christ, who visits Aunt Bee to take back her Social Security check in a particularly touching episode in which Opie is refused admittance to the local hospital for lack of health insurance, but is treated by Floyd the barber, in a cameo by Mitch McConnell.

Christie: "To the moon, Alice!"

The Odd Couple Returns again and again. This time, the organization, People For Continual War will produce a Broadway version featuring John McCain and Lindsay Graham.  Next on Lindsay’s schedule is La Cage Aux Folles, where he will pretend he knows more about football and soldiering than designer ball gowns.

Ralph Kramden

My spies are checking the rumor that Donald Trump will star in a restaging of Hairspray.  “I know they're looking for someone tackier, but I felt that I could reach deep down in my soul and find this quality,” Trump said.  His PACS have already raised $3.75 in crowd funding, not quite enough for a slice of pizza, but Trump has plans to sell his failing casinos to Wal-Mart to get his show up and running.

Perry: Do these glasses make me look smart?

The Honeymooners on 42nd Street.  Watch for Chris Christie as bus driver Ralph Kramden and Rick Santorum as Ed Norton in this revival.  Pundits say his is a real stretch for Santorum because Norton’s character is supposed to come across as a human being.

Rand Paul and Rick Perry will star in an adaptation of Deliverance, The Musical. Rand, it is reported, will play a dueling banjo in the production. Insiders aren’t sure what that means.

The Eagle Forum will produce a Broadway tribute to The Golden Girls, starring Phyllis Schiafly as the oldest resident of a shared house in Arizona or Arkansas — one is a dry heat.  The show also stars Carly Fiorina, Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin. In a departure from the original concept, none of these Golden girls are particularly bright.

Carly Fiorina: Golden Girl

The Family Research Council is begging the trending Ted Cruz to join them in various productions, but he said the only role he was prepared to take is Jesus Christ, just not that last part.  He is currently auditioning for the U.S. Presidency or “the Savior” as he prefers to be called. He had admitted he was concerned he would be confused with Tom Cruise, or perhaps with Christ himself.  Scott Walker, in an effort to compete, tried to find a role he could play.  Unfortunately there is no character for someone who has no character. “Mean and petty, isn’t enough,” said a spokesperson for the Club For Growth, which denies they help people grow hair.  They suggested Walker take the title role in The Invisible Man, but Dr. Ben Carson had already been cast.

I’m sorry, Democrats, you’re just not as silly as Republicans.